Thursday, May 8, 2008

How to poop at work...

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. I f there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees


The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.




sahmqueen said... words....tear drop....

No Longer At The Kids' Table said...

Too funny. I need to share with some people at work.

Anonymous said...

Excellent. I have an addition of my own.

'The Porpoise' this one is a floater on one end and a sinker on the other, resulting in a turd that looks up expectantly at you as you flush it down.

Daddio said...

I'd be careful about that Shirley Temple move these days...

I will go out of my way for anonymity and am a big advocate of the Safe Haven. My old office was in an 11-story building. I'd go up or down two flights of stairs to a floor with a lot of vacant space. When you have to turn on the lights yourself, you know it's going to be safe! Even if someone else does show up, you probably don't know them because your company doesn't occupy that floor. You can even relax for a while - bring the sports page, or play a game or two of solitaire on your cell phone... TMI?

MamaMidwife said...

My kids are in the other room asking me if I am laughing or crying.

My husband says lots of times when an ESCAPEE or a WATERMELON happen (thanks for naming those by the way, never knew exactly what to call them) sometimes other guys will actually laugh or say some other interesting comment. I've got to show him this.

Thank you. Thank you. I needed that lift up this morning. You have made my day.

Anonymous said...

Why does it always go back to the poop? As for the lady who said that her husband has to comment on the escapee or the watermelon, please tell him to stop. No one likes commentary in this area and any kind of laughter will only lead to additional escapees and the Havana omelet is sure to follow. And for all of you turd burglars out there, we know who you are and you will ultimately be punished for your evil acts. Haven't you ever heard of knocking or did you all grow up in the woods where there were no public facilities? Maybe you simply graduated from OU. Thanks TS for bringing up this most valuable of topics. Rhino

Anonymous said...

this has to be shared with the gigglers anonymous .......we did give you credit and added that the flushn' fart is whereby you try to disguise the offense with a fast rarely works but, could possibly keep you out of therapy for a least a week longer. you can even try to add the flemy fart to the fart repertoire and while you are doing the fast flush you can do the flem clear and toilet paper roller fling helps when desperate measures are called for......gigglers anonymous prezident